Watching Tv with my Asian Mom

Mom: The Rachel Aniston still look a beautiful, no?

Me: I guess. I was never really a fan of Rachel, or Friends. 

Mom: You like the freebie? 

Me: Phoebe? No. But if I had to choose, I guess Monica.

Mom: Monica?

Me: Yeah you know, Courtney Cox?

Mom: Cocks?

Me: (quietly) Yep. 

(Mom abruptly pauses the movie)

Mom: I need a cock. 

Me: WHAT??

Mom: The black one.

Me: (silent)

Mom: Hurry! I’m thirsty! 

Me: (pause) Oh, you mean Coke Zero? 

Mom: Yes. Actually, I change. Bring the Splice.

Me: (sigh) We have Sprite and Slice, you gotta be more specific.

Mom: Orange.

Me: Ok.  

Mom: (whispering) How come people say the green M&M make the horny? 

Me: (whispering) Shhhhhhh… 

Mom: (whispering) I don’t feel nothing. 

Me: (whispering) Please… SHHHHHHHHH…

Mom: (whispering) Did you eat a garlic bread?? 

Me: (deep sigh) 

Mom: (whispering) Oh my god, you did. Your breath is a berry bad. 

Me: (shaking my head) 

(silence)

Mom: (whispering) Wait, you didn’t tell me the jewel robber is in this moobie??

Me: (SIGH) (whispering) Julia Roberts is not in this movie. For the last time, PRE-VIEWS… STILL PREVIEWS… SHEESH. 

(Mom gets up and leaves)

Me: (whispering) Where are you going? I’m sorry, ok? 

Mom: (whispering) I go buy the Junior Minty for you. I be back. 

Me: (sigh) (whispering) The movie is starting.

Mom: (whispering) This more important. 

Mom: Who you want to win?

Me: I want Dirk to win.

Mom: You should say Africa American, ok? 

Me: What? (pause) No, DIRK, not dark! 

Mom: What??

Me: Dirk is that tall German guy on the Mavs!

Mom: (long pause) Ah! No Whiskey! 

Me: Yes, Nowitzki. 

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Watching-Tv-with-my-Asian-Mom/220827337941436

cheaperthanacupofjoe:

Mom: Why everyone love the cochina so much?

Me: (pause) Who, JLO??

Mom: What? No, the music festival show.

Me: Oh, you mean Coachella?

Mom: The peanut butter??

Me: No, that’s Nutella.

Mom: (pause) I confuse.

Me: It’s ok.

(silence)

Mom: I’m hungry now.

Me: Me too.

Mom: I buy, you fly.

Me: (chuckle) Where did you learn to say that??

Mom: I Bang your Mother.

Me: (pause) Wait, Big Bang Theory or How I Met your Mother?

Mom: WHO CARES! JUST GO! 

Me: Sheesh…

cheaperthanacupofjoe:

Mom: EXERCISE!!!! 

Me: Calm down… “Work Out/Lose Weight” is already up there as the number one answer. 

Mom: How come they always change the hoes?

Me: You mean the host? I have no idea. 

Mom: I don’t like the Montell William… he need to lose weight for the new years resurrection. 

Me: (sigh) That’s not Montell Williams, it’s Steve Harv… (pause) nevermind. Yeah you’re right… he did get a little chubby. 

Mom: SEE!! 

(long silence)

Mom: EXERCISE!!  

Me: (sigh)

cheaperthanacupofjoe:

(Mom walks into the living room spraying air freshener)

Mom: Did you farting again? 

Me: It’s these boiled eggs. 

(continues to spray)

Mom: You sure??

Me: YES!!

Mom: Whatever. (pause) Is that… an injury jolly?

Me: (pause) Yes, that’s Angelina Jolie. 

Mom: What moobie is this?

Me: (sigh) Salt! 

Mom: You go get it! 

Me: (sigh) No, the movie is called Salt.

Mom: (pause) Ok lazy boy… I go get it for you, ok? 

Me: (deep sigh)